Giving

I had decided to move away from my home of Hong Kong where my parents still reside. It has been four years since I had made that decision and here I am in Korea, living with my grandma. When I first got here I was a lonesome young man who was in his mid twenties looking for a reason to make my life worth living. I had always wanted to be an artist but I had never been able to find my worth. Here I am four years later working part time, making my do, and finding peace within myself to some degree. I had started considering my art more seriously and from just that desire it has moved me towards a direction that has been unclear and unsteady. Yet here I am, feeling good about what I have accomplished even thought I had not done anything worth mentioning. I have accepted what I love doing and I have started to try and live my dream, even though I am frightened that I may never be able to surface even to a hairs breadth of what I desire. Here I am finding peace with what I have decided my life upon. It had taken almost thirty years of my life to build up the courage to find the skin thick enough to push me through the storm. Yet, here I am again feeling lonesome and ever more powerless. Money, I can make. Dreams, I can chase. But life, I cannot save. 

I have been with my grandma for the past four years and I have witnessed our bond develop trough our difficult times and our times of great joy. I have also witnessed the life of a human being deteriorate and betray them as their life comes to and end. The chapters of my grandmas life is starting to find its final words of grace. During these four years I had been trying ever so hard to progress and make my life better even as my conscience bring out the coward before me. At the least I progressed. The four years that my grandma witnessed were far more different. The life that she looked upon gracefully from her two strong legs have now been brought down upon her knees. The world that she sees are through her two hands, grasping upon the ground, and her knees dragging her now heavy body. Standing is a now a chore and walking is now an action as difficult as walking on a tight rope. Her conscience tries to be strong but her body betrays her and through her weakened body her mind weakens. Even as she is fading away from life, all that she sees in front of her is our family and me. I do not know how to feel towards this chapter of my life as I have always enjoyed being a reclusive personality. Nothing in life has taught me to love more than through the deterioration of my grandma's grace. It is also shameful of me to come to this realization when time is no longer on my grandma's side.

I am ashamed to say that I had never learned to love. I am distant with my family even though they are just a phone call away. I am distant with my friends telling myself that time must be spent for myself. I distance myself from people that want to show me love as it is an emotion that I fear but at the same time want so much. I told myself that this is a sacrifice that is worth taking for the sake of making art, yet my art does not love me back. 

This chapter in my life has taught me that it isn't love that I lack but what I lack is the love that I give. I had realized that I do not give much love and I do not share much love. I now want to give and share as much love as I possibly could to my grandma, but yet it is sad to know that I feel as thought I am too late. How foolish of me to know that life must be loved and without expecting love in return, yet only understand the true meaning behind giving love when it is starting to part...